Monday, March 26, 2012

I have been following a blog on the caring bridge site.  A couple's little girl lost her battle with cancer.  I started following it close to the end of her fight with cancer, but ever night I would go back to the beginning and read a little bit.  If you start at the beginning and read on you can feel the roller-coaster ride.  It has been some time since I visited the site, but today I saw a post that sums up how it feels to have a family member with cancer whether it is a child, a sibling, spouse, or a parent. Here is part of the post:

(When your child is diagnosed with cancer, so are you.  When your child is in pain and getting chemo treatments. so are you.  When your child is fighting for their life and having a bone marrow transplant, so are you.  When you child sufficates from lung disease, so do you.  When your child has two types of fungus and is told their condition is unsurvivable, you wonder how you will survive.  When you child dies, so does a piece of you.
We go through every day answering "how are you?" with "were okay." What are we supposed to say? We know the reasons, Pax is in a better place, she was never ours, just a gift from God.  We know our faith and your faith are stonger because of Pax.  We know she is pain free in heaven. We know all this to be very true.  But, why us? Why our baby?  Why did God trust us to carry this pain?  We know that answer too.  We can carry it, We are strong in faith and each other.
But at 430 am, when your all alone, it's hard.  Your tired of putting on a strong front for every one else so they feel okay about it.  Your tired of living up to expectations.  I'm just tired.  I like the days and being busy, but I don't feel "real" and alive, until I am alone at night and feeling pain, all by myself.  Tomorrow I will smile but tonight I weep.  For my little girl.)

Anyone who has been through a situation like this can insert their family members name into the column where he has posted "child".  It is exactly how I felt and still feel to this day. I have no idea what it is like to lose a child, and I never want to.  Losing my mom seems like it is way too hard for me sometimes.  It's been 3 years and every day I think about her.  What would things be like if she were here?  What would she think of my two amazing children?  What movies would we have seen together? How many times would we have gone shopping or would she have helped me decorate my house? Also, on a daily basis I think of her struggles fighting cancer.  Just like this man said, I know all the answers but that doesn't take away the hurt.  And my hurt usually isn't in the early mornings when I'm alone.  It is the day to day events that I find myself unable to talk to her on the phone or have her here with me.  But when someone asks I will smile and be fine because I do know all the answers that God has for me.  I know that I have hope and I pray for those going through the same situation that have no hope. I know that through all the pain of not having my amazing mother here I am truly blessed.  It is when I am at my weakest and feel like I cant breath that I remember that hope, and that is when the peace that passes all understanding is present. 

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