I have been following a blog on the caring bridge site.  A couple's little girl lost her battle with cancer.  I started following it close to the end of her fight with cancer, but ever night I would go back to the beginning and read a little bit.  If you start at the beginning and read on you can feel the roller-coaster ride.  It has been some time since I visited the site, but today I saw a post that sums up how it feels to have a family member with cancer whether it is a child, a sibling, spouse, or a parent. Here is part of the post:

(When your child is diagnosed with cancer, so are you.  When your child is in pain and getting chemo treatments. so are you.  When your child is fighting for their life and having a bone marrow transplant, so are you.  When you child sufficates from lung disease, so do you.  When your child has two types of fungus and is told their condition is unsurvivable, you wonder how you will survive.  When you child dies, so does a piece of you.

We go through every day answering "how are you?" with "were okay." What are we supposed to say? We know the reasons, Pax is in a better place, she was never ours, just a gift from God.  We know our faith and your faith are stonger because of Pax.  We know she is pain free in heaven. We know all this to be very true.  But, why us? Why our baby?  Why did God trust us to carry this pain?  We know that answer too.  We can carry it, We are strong in faith and each other.

But at 430 am, when your all alone, it's hard.  Your tired of putting on a strong front for every one else so they feel okay about it.  Your tired of living up to expectations.  I'm just tired.  I like the days and being busy, but I don't feel "real" and alive, until I am alone at night and feeling pain, all by myself.  Tomorrow I will smile but tonight I weep.  For my little girl.)

Anyone who has been through a situation like this can insert their family members name into the column where he has posted "child".  It is exactly how I felt and still feel to this day. I have no idea what it is like to lose a child, and I never want to.  Losing my mom seems like it is way too hard for me sometimes.  It's been 3 years and every day I think about her.  What would things be like if she were here?  What would she think of my two amazing children?  What movies would we have seen together? How many times would we have gone shopping or would she have helped me decorate my house? Also, on a daily basis I think of her struggles fighting cancer.  Just like this man said, I know all the answers but that doesn't take away the hurt.  And my hurt usually isn't in the early mornings when I'm alone.  It is the day to day events that I find myself unable to talk to her on the phone or have her here with me.  But when someone asks I will smile and be fine because I do know all the answers that God has for me.  I know that I have hope and I pray for those going through the same situation that have no hope. I know that through all the pain of not having my amazing mother here I am truly blessed.  It is when I am at my weakest and feel like I cant breath that I remember that hope, and that is when the peace that passes all understanding is present. 

    My sweet husband

I am going to start off by saying I hope Jeremy, my husband, is not embarrassed by me writing about him. God has blessed me with an incredible husband and I would like to share a little bit about him.

    

My husband and I have a very unique story.  We met each other labor day weekend 2001.  I was 14 years old and he was 16.  A week or two later I remember peering outside of the glass doors at Immanuel baptist church to see Jeremy talking with my dad.  It looked as if they were in deep discussion and I had no clue what it could possibly be about.  Later that night, Jeremy pulled me aside and explained that he had talked with my dad and asked if he could "go out" with me and with my dad's permission he wondered if I would "go out" with him.  Of course I said yes!  What 16 year old guy would ask a father to just date his daughter?  I knew he was different and something special.  Because I was only 14 we were not allowed to go on dates alone until I turned 16 years old.  We were allowed to hang out with friends and family present though. My sweet husband waited  2 years until he was 18 years old to take me on a date.  

My husband has had his share of past experiences that I would definitely deem dysfunctional, but God protected his heart and with the guidance from his mother and stepfather Jeremy grew up to be a respectful MAN of God.  His love for his mother and sisters amaze me and I am so happy that God gave us a daughter for him to have that special bond with also.  

I am so blessed to have such a strong Christian husband by my side.  He was there with me while my mother was sick and when she passed away.  After my mom passed away, I would wake up in the night with horrible nightmares.  He would be there with me, praying with me.

Jeremy is a man after God's heart.  He works hard at his job as a youth minister, and he has a heart for students.  His desire is that they come to know Jesus Christ and that they are constantly growing in their knowledge of Him.  

Jeremy is an incredible father.  He is patient, which is something I struggle with.  He disciplines out of love instead of anger.  He loves his son and is teaching him what it is to be true man on a daily basis.  He is so sweet to his little girl.  She is in love with him.  I believe she would prefer him over me.  He knows how to go from being rough and tough playing with our son Cameron to being sweet and loving with our daughter Karsten.  

Other reasons I love and am blessed by Jeremy:

He is the Christian leader of our family

He spoils me

He respects me

He speaks kinds words to me, lifting me up,

constantly telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am to him.

He will sacrifice for me

He works all day and comes home and immediately jumps right in, helping me with the kids and house!

The list could go on and on....

I know Jeremy will be embarrassed by this post, but I felt like bragging on my sweet husband today!

A nurse and a patient

Being a nurse and a patient is SO hard to do!!  I checked in to the hospital yesterday for my procedure and tried to have a relaxed attitude about everything.  The nurse came and called my name and took me back to preop area.  She had a little bit of an attitude.  I don't know if she was having a bad day or if she was that way all the time, but I tried to play it off by joking around and being nice.  As I am laying in the bed waiting for her to come and start my IV, I check to make sure everything is in its place and ready to go like it should be i.e. the saline bag is hooked up correctly, primed correctly, clean gloves, cleaning solution for hands near by... As the nurse comes in and starts to get her area ready about one hundred things go through my mind.  You didn't wash your hands, okay now you need to rewash your hands, that is not sterile anymore, please get another one, is that lid still sterile, you are not inserting that correctly.  Now I tried to limit the things I said out loud because this woman didn't know I was a nurse, and I didn't want to get on her bad side.  She begins to look for a vein to start my IV.  After she looks, and looks, and looks I am screaming in my head "Okay now!  put the tourniquet on and start feeling, sometimes you cant see them right away you need to feel for them too."  She found a vein in my right hand and begins to clean the area with the alcohol.  Right before she inserts the needle I pierce my right thumb with my fingernail to offset the pain.  The second she starts the fluid a huge bulge appears in my hand...that is blown.  Now to find another vein.  Without feeling she goes straight for the vein in the bend of my arm, uses the same contaminated alcohol pad, fans the area, and inserts a new needle before I could protest anything.  She administers a little saline and there was no puffiness.  The nurse starts cleaning the area, I feel some pain and tightness in my arm and proceed to tell her.  She glances over and says "It looks good and the solution is going in slow, it's probably just in a sensitive spot."  I try and not make a huge deal about it and keep scanning over the area to make sure it looks fine.  They FINALLY come and take me back for the procedure and my anesthesiologists starts to hook up some medicine.  I immediately feel extreme pain in my arm.  He takes one look at my arm and explains that the IV is definitely not correct.  (I should have been more persistent)  After four more failed attempts the anesthesiologists finally hits the right spot and administers the most wonderful medicine!  The room begins to spin and the next thing I know I am hearing my sweet husbands voice.  I was dreading this moment because I know people are hilarious as the anesthesia wears off.  I had no clue what I was saying or how many times I was saying it. I know Jeremy was probably getting a pretty good laugh.  Oh well, I was glad that everything was over and I would be going home and sleeping in my comfy bed for the rest of the day.

My mom

It is very therapeutic for me to write down my story, thoughts, and feelings regarding my mom.  Lately I have been thinking about her more due to the fact that Thursday I am checking into the hospital to have a colonoscopy. Fun stuff!
   Growing up as a little girl my life was pretty much perfect.  I called it "normal" but our family was actually the exception.  My parents were not divorced.  My aunts and uncles were not divorced, and my grandparents were not divorced on any side of my family.  No drug addicts, alcoholics, or bums. I grew up in church and my parents were consistent in guiding and disciplining my sister and I.  My perfect little bubble popped in May 2006.  My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer May 5 2006.  My parents had just moved to KC for my dads job and I followed them to go to college and be with my boyfriend (and eventually husband) Jeremy.
  My mom had always been a great example of what  a christian woman.  She was diligent and consistent in reading her bible and spending time with God. Anytime my sister or I had a bad day or a "crisis" come up, my mom was the first one to say "stop, lets pray about it".  Any time we were having a bad day or a problem she would sing,
                                             This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made,
                                                   That the Lord has made, we will rejoice, we
                                                   will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it...

She surrounded herself with wise christian women and found opportunities to guide younger girls.  She volunteered at the Pregnancy Crisis Center in Wichita.  She had such a passion for young girls, and desired to help them come to know God.  She loved my sister and I more than I will probably know.  She was the most selfless person I have ever came in contact with.  If I called her and needed her to bring me something or to come and pick me up from somewhere, with no questions asked she would drop what she was doing and come.  I was never very organized and my ADD definitely doesn't help that.  I remember days I would forget a deadline and be stressing out and completely overreacting, she would be there to help or fix anything that she could, and it always turned out okay.  After I got married, my  mom would come and stay with me to help me study for my nursing exams.  My mom was my rock.  She was the one person that knew me; awkward, embarrassing, emotional, mad, happy, sad...and she loved and understood me still.  I would call her five or more times a day.  I miss my mom... The feelings is unbearable sometimes.  It feels as if the air in your body is being sucked out of you, like you are suffocating.  I am so lucky that God allowed me to know that kind of love, and have such an amazing mom.  I am so blessed.
    In one of my mom's journals she wrote down 1 Peter 4:12

                                                Don't be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering,
                                                as though something strange were happening to you.

I think Paul put it best when he wrote, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain."

(This will probably not be the last time I write about my mom, but I don't want to keep rambling on tonight.)

First blog ever!  I used to think that blogging or tweeting was stupid. Who would want to read what I have to say?  I started to have different views this summer.  I have been traveling a lot due to Jeremy going out of town.  I don't like to stay at home with the kids, so we go back to Wichita usually. That leaves me with five hours in the car to just think each way.  This last trip I decided I would like to start a journal.  I thought about it more and decided I would go against all my past opinions and start a blog.  Who knows, something I have to say might be what someone else is thinking or going through.  I love reading the blogs that I follow so I need to get over it and just start a blog of my own.  So here it is, my first blog!